I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
