I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
