the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
