I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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