I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
