My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
