Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
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