i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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