WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just pee around me
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
