Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I enjoy the company of your penis
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
