woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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