I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
