If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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