youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
