meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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