Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Also, beer. Big fan.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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