I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
not ubering you a puppy
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
