I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My liver just had a heart attack.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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