I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
