My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
