that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
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