I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
