my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
