I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
