my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
