You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
