in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
