i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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