And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
