Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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