It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
