She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
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I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
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I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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