Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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