the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
