stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
