Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
