Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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