sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Randomize
