Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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