I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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