Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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