Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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