Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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