There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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