so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
