i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
