You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
