In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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