I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
