you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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