i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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