so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
