I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
