We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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